my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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