So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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