ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
