I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
