i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
