There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
