Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
