I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
