a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
