i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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