Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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