I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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