If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
