I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
