I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
