Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
