Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
