Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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