the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
