I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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