dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
