who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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