I will die if light touches me.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
