mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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