I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
