the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I need moral support for this bender
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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