The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
