the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
