what day is it and did you see me today?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
