Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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