I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
