i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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