Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
