I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
