yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
