Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
