I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
there's paper in my vomit.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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