You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
