The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
