she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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