I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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