I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i love accidental penises.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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