I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
