I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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