When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
