it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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