so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
