I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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