I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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