You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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